Wednesday, 14 August 2013

I've No Idea What I'm Talking About Here And It Goes On And On And On...

This is an un-researched blog so don't waste yours or, more importantly, my time attempting to correct me on any points I make. However, please feel free to lavish me with praise for any valid points I do happen to make. I have an incredibly high tolerance threshold for praise.

So...(caveat - this post is not about Caitlin Moran but she was the catalyst for it).

Whatever you think of Caitlin Moran's selfless/vanity (delete as per your own preference) project, it didn't change anything - it raised the profile of the 'online abuse' - gave the media something else they don't fully comprehend, to comment about but it had flickered and died shortly after Moran and her acolytes resumed tweeting.

Remember the '1,000,000 people' that marched against the war in Iraq - they didn't change anything. The incursion still happened. We didn't find WMDs - quelle surprise. Then we voted in the Tories ('well, technically it's a coalition' -  blah fuck off blah). Go figure.

What about the Twitter hordes - of which I was one - who were angry yet hardly shocked at The News of the World hacking Millie Dowler's mobile phone - did we change anything? I mean, we've not had any more hacking incidents but are we to assume that it won't happen again?

Closer to home, for me anyway, Rangers fans who want Charles Green and his cohorts out of the club will not precipitate his exit with protest - no matter how many banners they take to games or derogatory songs they sing in his direction.

I think everyone that participates in protest tacitly acknowledges this too. Apart from the really thick ones, that is.

Us Western Worlders live in democracies. 
Democracy is as close to an ideal form of governance there is - that's the accepted wisdom, right? 
We can all vote once we're 18.
We have freedom of speech.
Freedom of expression.
Generally speaking, male, female, black and white, are all equal.
This is the way we want it, this is the society we created - we have it all. Don't we?


For all we do have, we are largely impotent.
Not Pele 'impotent' but we're as ineffective as his flaccid member all the same. (Thinking about this further (too far, perhaps) (parenthesis within parenthesis there - like a punctuation version of Inception) - Maradona would probably have been a better advertising campaign figurehead for Viagra when you consider his penchant for Colombian marching powder).


Want to write a critical news article about the government? Fine.
Want to protest publicly? Fill your boots. (apply for a licence).
Want to tweet that David Cameron is a cunt? Bash on.

Our protests achieve nothing but perpetuating the illusion that we, the proletariat, as a society, are in control of the world we live in. 
Maybe they're just enough to stir the blood and trick us into thinking we're serving a significant purpose on this planet. 

Most of us - especially me - get bored of any prolonged campaign for change surprisingly quickly. It's tiresome and we want to watch Mad Men or argue about just how disgusting Gareth Bale's transfer fee was.

We're the 'pre-grated cheese generation'.

The notable exception here are the people of Liverpool and their football club. Their unrelenting pursuit for justice wasn't just about Hillsborough - they represented 'us' versus 'the system' and it's that level of devotion to a cause that gets shit done.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, we've sacrificed the power to effect change for democratic civility. I'd say, generally, this is to our benefit. Murders and other shit things like that are relatively rare - and that's a good thing but we should acknowledge that it has come at a cost. 

So, if Moran wants change - she's gonna have to be more dogged than a 24hr silence on Twitter. 
If Rangers fans want Green out, we're gonna have to unite and force it to happen through the boardroom. 
And if we want to prevent our government taking action that is contrary to our wishes we have to Guy Fawkes them tae fuck - not literally, obviously.

We're living in The Matrix, people. Only nae cunt here is Neo.

Thursday, 2 May 2013


Here’s an opinion I’ve got. I’ll be honest, it’s not fully formed and I’m not even sure I subscribe to it but it is there, niggling away at me.

This is my Jerry Maguire moment, so...

I find it strange how much vitriol pours out when people talk about sportsmen or teams cheating. I find it strange because, ultimately, sport doesn’t matter. It’s just a distraction from the reality of life (bit bleak that – soz LOL but seriously, soz).

Sport is merely a massive reality soap opera in which we are all complicit. Referees, fans, regulatory bodies and even anti-doping agencies each play their part.
Think about it like this, what does your team winning and losing actually mean? I’m not saying we don’t enjoy or despair of it – we definitely do - but we must also know that, in the grand scheme of things, it’s irrelevant.
Win one season. Lose the next. So on, so forth. So what?

Who cares if Suarez dives or bites? If he genuinely makes you angry, you really should ask yourself some questions. Such as, 'is this what I want to spend my short time on earth being passionate about?' Like him or not, he’s provided more entertainment than Gary Neville  ever has – that includes when he’s fiddling about on his tactics board (which I also enjoy).

So what if Lance Armstrong took drugs to win the Tour De France? It’s only cycling and nobody give a shit about cycling anyway. No, just kidding, I’m sure there are folk that care about it (weirdos, mostly). But, how many really care? How many now care because of the attention Lance Armstrong attracted to the sport? (for the record – the ‘but what about cyclists who lost out on revenue because of Armstrong?’ can get tae fuck. I’m not interested in that angle at all).

So what if Barcelona have (allegedly) cheated by taking PEDs? We marvelled at the theatre they provided us with and it was unparalleled for a while. And that’s all it is - theatre. Not life and death. Not even close. We were entertained - is that not what we want?

Do you think any team in the higher echelons of world football is clean? Do you think your heroes care about you? If you do, you’re basically a Belieber and they are the worstcunts in the world.

So, all I’m saying is, don’t get bent up about it.

Well, don’t get TOO bent up about it. There is an appropriate level of opprobrium to keep your interest stoked and that’s what you must strive for, young grasshoppers. I’m not advocating sociopathic sports fans but a balance should be struck.

I enjoy the majesty and the travesty of sport in equal measure. At full time in a closely fought cup final, or a last day, relegation battle – I'm immediately drawn to beaten team (knowing coverage of the victor will be abundant in the coming days). I relish the deflation, the tears and the instant regret. I’ve felt it before. I know it’s gut-wrenchingly horrible but I also know it’s only temporary. We need the tragedy as much as we need the triumph. Each emotion is belittled in the others’ absence. The full gamut of emotion is what keeps us hooked on sport. Not only the joy and the good and the moral.

It’s just a TV show. The difference is, it's us, the viewers, that provide the narrative for it rather than scriptwriters. And that narrative is skewed heavily by individual and collective perception. So, when it's over, switch it off and enjoy something else. A conversation. A moment of meditation. A wank. Whatever.

I acknowledge, too, that this ramble doesn’t mean anything either. But that sweet, sweet catharsis soothes my soul.